BeMused » Offbeat IM’s

Butter on my face…

Shad — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:52:59 +0000

bobbyboy77211: hi
bobbyboy77211: im from western ny wanna chat
Shad: Let me check and see if my time is up – the guards get mean if I stay online to long.
bobbyboy77211: ok what guard
Shad: I’m in a mental ward. I guess officially they’re called social workers or nurses, but if you mess up they’re as bad as prison guards
bobbyboy77211: oh wow we used to chat along time ago , everything ok
Shad: I tried to eat my own face.
bobbyboy77211: huh how u do that and why
Shad: Felt like it had butter on it.
Shad: I tried to butter my toast with my face. Wasn’t working so I grabbed a knife and tried that.
bobbyboy77211: holy shit u serious
Shad: but I got caught and put in here.
Shad: and they let me sleep on bubble wrap! It’s a lot of fun.
bobbyboy77211: u are messing with me
Shad: hey – are you close? I want McDonalds. Can you smuggle me some McDonalds? I want the fish sandwich.
Shad: Reminds me of my mom.
bobbyboy77211: lol your funny im from dunkirk where u from
Shad: hang on.
Shad: I have an itch I need to go somewhere private to scratch.
Shad: I’ll be right back.
bobbyboy77211: k
Shad: THAT’S where those jelly bellies went!
Shad: I lost those WEEKS ago.
Shad: Oh, I’m in Petersburg, VA.
Shad: Enjoying the hospitality of Poplar Springs Hospital.
Shad: the walls are entirely too green.
Shad: but that’s supposed to be a soothing color.
Shad: reminds me of lima beans.
Shad: which I hate.
Shad: but my mom used to make me eat.
Shad: and the only way I could eat them was with ketchup.
Shad: So, can you bring me McDonalds?
PMbobbyboy77211: if u didnt live so far away i would
Shad: you’re in NY! You can be here in like 5 hours.
Shad: and bring a shake too

Excuses…

Shad — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:29:10 +0000

Obviously writing here has been completely derailed – by facebook, extra-curricular activities, hell, just life in general really. I keep thinking I could write a post about Sarah’s soccer tournaments and All-Stars, or the dog’s allergy to something that keeps her awake scratching at night, or Cody struggling through biology and the Green Day tickets Gail bought to try and bribe him into getting a decent grade so we could go… but after the day is done, my brain just can’t seem to grab onto a coherant though long enough to write it down. So, instead, I give you yet another Offbeat IM I received today.

cutti1231: wow u have a big ass mouth
Shad: Well, it CAN take a bite of a Wendy’s triple without too much spillage…
cutti1231: Ur a dumbass for that one
Shad: I won’t argue there – after I take the bite, it takes me like 10 minutes just to chew it all up enough to swallow, and in the meantime I can barely shut my mouth, so everyone sees bits of meat and globs of ketchup and mayo…
Shad: quite disgusting actually…
cutti1231: Wtf r u stoopid
Shad: For taking those big bites? Probably, but man, sometimes I can’t help myself. When I unwrap that Wendy’s triple, and get a wiff of that fried meat and melted cheese, I just can’t help it! I have to have it! NOW!
cutti1231: Wait who am i talkn 2
Shad: My name is Shad. And yeah, I don’t know who you thought you were talking to, I just know it wasn’t me. I don’t recognize your screen name, and, honestly, my mouth knows how to keep itself shut.
cutti1231: Im tlkn 2 sumbody i dont know
Shad: Exactly.
cutti1231: How old r u
Shad: 39
Shad: and a half
cutti1231: Buh bye and u need to delete ur aim u r too damn old 2 have one
Shad: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize AIM was the providence of only the young. So, what’s the age limit. 25? 30? Considering I’ve had this name for nearly 15 years, I doubt I’m giving it up anytime soon…
cutti1231: Like i said buh bye
Shad: Bye!

Guess I didn’t realize there was an age limit for IMs. I’d better check into that.

Who really is on first?

Shad — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:31:06 +0000

BulaCollazo : hey Shad
Shad : And you are?
BulaCollazo : mari
BulaCollazo : why
Shad : Sorry Mari, I think you have the wrong person
Shad : I don’t know a Mari
BulaCollazo : wats ur screen name
Shad : ….
Shad : the one you’re IM’ing with
BulaCollazo : who?
Shad : Shad
BulaCollazo : yes
Shad : the one you’re IMing with
BulaCollazo : huh
BulaCollazo : ?
Shad : my screen name is Shad
BulaCollazo : wats ur real name
Shad : Shad
BilaCollazo : No ur real name
Shad : It is my real name
BulaCollazo : o iight r u sure
BulaCollazo : ?
Shad : that’s what it says on my driver’s license
Shad : So, like I said, you have the wrong person
BulaCollazo : ok ok
BulaCollazo : bye
BulaCollazo : ttyl
Shad : bye

When I get twitchy…

Shad — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:32:45 +0000

The IMs have been scare a bit as of late – usually when they find out I’m not who they’re looking for, they just leave me alone. Which is fine. I had a couple recently I thought’d I’d share. Enjoy; you know I always do.

—

larence32: Hey queer how do I get music off this shit?
shad: you have music on your shit?
larence32: My shit is very melodic.
shad: then eat less fiber
larence32: Tune filled turds
larence32: You make a mockery of our fun
larence32: I there a way for us to send music over this?
shad: You have no idea who you’re talking to, do you
shad: You don’t know who I am…
larence32: Is this Shad at OneVenice way
shad: Nope
larence32: Sorry Peace
shad: later

—

KnoxD08: was good?
Shad: Who’s this?
KnoxD08:This Is Dari…U Dont know me?
shad: No..and you don’t know me either. You have the wrong person
KnoxD08:Is this Rashad?
shad: No
KnoxD08: who is this?
shad: Shad
KnoxD08: wats ur last name
KnoxD08: jus wondering not stalkin or nothin like that
shad: Why do you care what my last name is? you don’t know me YOU DIRTY DIAPER PUS BAG
shad: Christ
shad: sorry about that
shad: I have a weird form of Tourettes
KnoxD08: um chill out im jus tryin to figure out who dis is thats all
shad: I know, I know – sorry. It doesn’t happen often, promise.
shad: you SOGGY WET TOILET WAD
shad: God! sorry about that – some days are worse than others…
KnoxD08: um ok…
shad: As I said, my name is Shad, not Rashad
KnoxD08: ooh okay mah bad
KnoxD08: and wats tourettes?
Shad: it’s a neurological disorder. It makes me twitchy and I spontaneously shout (or type) phrases like the diaper bag one. Usually they’re crass and obscene, but like I said, I have a weird form of it, so it’s not so drastic
KnoxD08: damn, thats sum freaky shit
KnoxD08: u do that all the time?
Shad: Well, it comes and goes YOU USED UP KLEENEX and sometimes I can go weeks without it happening.
Shad: half the time I don’t notice it right away, but I see I just called you a kleenex. Sorry.
KnoxD08: ur a trip
Shad: yeah, it can be weird if you’re not used to it.
Shad: SCRUFFY GOAT NASTY HAIR CAUGHT IN THE DRAIN COFFEE DREGS GROSS EAR WAX ON A Q-TIP PIECE OF CHEWED UP BUBBLE GUM!!
Shad: geez – sorry, I’m really having a bad episode, I’d better go…
KnoxD08: its straight i understand that completely
KnoxD08: mah fault for botheriing u

ch3y905

Shad — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:35:35 +0000

ch3y905: Hi
ch3y905: I’m bord
shad: so you thought you’d IM a complete stranger and alleviate the boredom?
ch3y905: Uh???
ch3y905: How old are you
shad: older than you
ch3y905: How older
shad: I can drink legally, rent a car, and run for president…
shad: that tell you anything?
ch3y905: I’m older
ch3y905: Yes
ch3y905: And I can drink to
ch3y905: And I can rent a car
shad: can you run for president?
ch3y905: Soo what
ch3y905: Maybe yes or no
ch3y905: Give me numbers
shad: 38
shad: 32
shad: 56
shad: 29
shad: 75
shad: 86
shad: 245
shad: …how many numbers do you want?
ch3y905: I mean ur age dumb ass
ch3y905: And I finish college
shad: oh you do?
ch3y905: 8 years ago
ch3y905: So
ch3y905: I maye be older then you
shad: Well, geez, what kind of college did you go to? It should have been “finished” college
shad: they sure didn’t learn ya good in them thar classes did they
ch3y905: Bitch,
ch3y905: You are dumb
ch3y905: Plus I have kids I’m older then you
shad: Wow, you must be REALLY old then – and you know how to operate this here internet thingy?
shad: I am most impressed
ch3y905: You need to learn how to treat ur olers
shad: I thought it was the providence of only the young
shad: and what the hell is an oler?
ch3y905: Yes of course I know how to work with the internet
ch3y905: Who dosent you
ch3y905: Cuz ur a dumb ass bitch
shad: I iz a dumazz bitch
shad: tha’s right!
shad: see, I can talk ghetto talk like you youngsters
shad:
ch3y905: Thanx for the confessing
ch3y905: I anit young
ch3y905: Bitch you a child ok not
ch3y905: Me
shad: you know, for a self-confessed college graduate, you sure come off sounding about as bright as a box of hair…
ch3y905: I’m not going to waste my time so goodbye ass hole
shad: bye!
ch3y905: You shouldn’t talk about ur mom like that
shad: Mom???
shad: Hi!
shad: How’s Dad?
shad: How’s his gall bladder?

Queue the Mission Impossible music

Shad — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:13:06 +0000

What a way to start a Monday – I know I said that every time I make a post, I’ll try to have more of the design completed, but this was just too funny not to share right away. At least it was funny to me!

muratasik1907%40gmail.com: who is this
Shad: Who are you?
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: this is murat
agent
and you
?
Shad: Agent Murat?
damn, am I glad you found me…I’ve been out here in the field for weeks with no support!
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: where?
Shad: I need to get a message back to HQ – coded Priority T1
message reads as follows: John has a long mustache.
repeat: John has a long mustache
Attached as follows: Ice Cream has no bones
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: man
Shad: repeat back to me please on secure channel
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: will you tell me your name :d

Shad: Agent Murat, you know you’re not supposed to request the names of agents in the field. You could compromise their position
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: ok
ok man
Shad: Please repeat back coded priority message
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: i just asked a simple question because this messenger was downloaded by my assistant and I am now tru=ying to see who are peoples online
I am sorry
Shad: ….
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: to disturb you
Shad: are you NOT Agent Murat?!
oh my god…
muratasik1907%40gmail.com: My name is MURAT
Shad: I’ve got to get off this channel
they could be watching me RIGHT NOW
Burn the papers!
Format the Hard Drive!
Your life is in danger!
RUN!!!!!!
muratasik1907@gmail.com is offline

He literally signed off right when I said run…hahah

Movin’ along

Shad — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:08:58 +0000

I’m hoping that with each new post I want to make, I come in here, see the state of things, and add a bit more. As I wanted to post a couple of IMs I’ve recently received, I figured I’d make a few more changes. Ignore the state of the comments page, etc. Still a work in progress. Anyhow, onto the IMs -

PattiCollins3: Im sorry for telling you to go to hell. I think looking at your pics made me realize I was just still in love with our memories. Im not over how we broke up in the first place. Im sure not over you putting the kids in our argument. I just needed that closure, now I have it.

PattiCollins3: Just wanted to apologize for something I really didn’t mean, that’s all.

Shad: Um….wow….

Shad: uh, hate to say this – but you have the wrong person

Shad: I don’t know a Patti Collins…

PattiCollins3: whatever, I felt like I needed to apologize for saying that and I have.

Shad: OK…but shouldn’t you say it to the guy you’re mad at? Or were mad at?

PattiCollins3: I DID,,, GOODBYE

~~~~

honey87dip: i miss ya punk ass
honey87dip: aint seen u in foreva
honey87dip: just left without sayin goodbye
honey87dip: (tear)
Shad: I’m thinkin’ you have the wrong person
honey87dip: Shad wat the hell u talkin bout
honey87dip: u was mia finals week nigga
honey87dip: aint nobody see ur black ass
Shad: that’s ’cause I ain’t GOT a black ass
Shad: I’ve got a WHITE ASS
Shad: you HAVE the WRONG PERSON
honey87dip: Okk

Like being beaten to death with a pillow (NaBloPoMo Day 19)

Shad — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 14:23:38 +0000

These two IMs came in right at the same time last night… Bigfrank’s came in first, so I posted him first…

***

Bigfrank700 (8:20:14 PM): hi shad
shad (8:19:49 PM): Hi!
shad (8:19:54 PM): who the heck are you?
Bigfrank700 (8:21:01 PM): (ninja)
shad (8:20:27 PM): (pirate)
shad (8:20:29 PM): FIGHT
shad (8:20:39 PM): :::queue Mortal Combat theme :::
Bigfrank700 (8:22:30 PM): ur talking to Hestafan4372
shad (8:22:07 PM): aww, not fair ganging up!
Bigfrank700 (8:26:35 PM): (emo)
shad (8:26:04 PM): You know…I wish my lawn was emo
shad (8:26:09 PM): …then it’d cut itself
shad (8:26:15 PM): I’ve got a million of ‘em folks!
Bigfrank700 (8:27:21 PM): very origina
Bigfrank700 (8:27:25 PM): original

—

Hestafan4372 (8:21:17 PM): hey shad
shad (8:20:53 PM): and you are?
Hestafan4372 (8:21:47 PM): yo momma
Hestafan4372 (8:21:52 PM): hahahahahahaha
Hestafan4372 (8:22:51 PM): r u talking to Bigfrank700
Hestafan4372 (8:23:33 PM): hes my bro
Hestafan4372 (8:23:38 PM): were tight
shad (8:22:58 PM): Do you see me caring?
Hestafan4372 (8:23:59 PM): yea u want all of this
shad (8:23:39 PM): all of…what?
shad (8:23:44 PM): your IMs?
shad (8:23:50 PM): I don’t want your IMs
Hestafan4372 (8:24:39 PM): idk
shad (8:23:55 PM): I want…
shad (8:23:57 PM): ALL YOUR BASE
Hestafan4372 (8:24:46 PM): i just said it
Hestafan4372 (8:24:54 PM): i felt like it deel wit it
Hestafan4372 (8:25:10 PM): r u talking to bigfrank700
shad (8:24:42 PM): No, I kicked his ass with my Pirate
Hestafan4372 (8:25:35 PM): wht
Hestafan4372 (8:25:38 PM): ?????????
Hestafan4372 (8:25:50 PM): hes my best friend ill mess u up
shad (8:25:07 PM): He thought his ninja was badass, but I kicked it hard
Hestafan4372 (8:25:58 PM): how old r u
shad (8:25:32 PM): 37
shad (8:25:38 PM): and a half
Hestafan4372 (8:26:32 PM): wht seriosly
Hestafan4372 (8:26:35 PM): no ur not
Hestafan4372 (8:26:47 PM): gtg
Hestafan4372 (8:27:42 PM): no i dont
Hestafan4372 (8:27:47 PM): r u really 37
shad (8:27:47 PM): and a half
Hestafan4372 (8:28:43 PM): no way
Hestafan4372 (8:29:03 PM): well blocky block

Hestafan4372 signed off at 8:28:19 PM.
Hestafan4372 is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

heeee – usually it’s me that blocks them. Nice to see I was beaten to the punch

Bishop of the Future (NaBloPoMo Day 6)

Shad — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 13:20:13 +0000

Bishop of DwB (7:47:11 PM): ‘allo there!
shad (7:47:23 PM): and you are?
shad (7:47:28 PM): Bishop of what?
Bishop of DwB (7:47:53 PM): old guild I was in
shad (7:47:59 PM): You’re not a real bishop
shad (7:48:06 PM): I bet you don’t even go diagonal…
Bishop of DwB (7:48:24 PM): :-/
Bishop of DwB (7:50:11 PM): Bishop was my favorite X-Man
shad (7:50:19 PM): Did he travel diagonally?
Bishop of DwB (7:50:37 PM): no, just in time
shad (7:50:33 PM): Then he’s a fraud!
Bishop of DwB (7:50:53 PM): no, he’s from the future
shad (7:51:52 PM): Hey, if he ain’t going diagonally, I don’t care if he’s from the future, the past, or Newark, I still say he’s not right…
shad (7:52:02 PM): …unless bishops don’t go diagonally in the future?
Bishop of DwB (7:52:27 PM): I dunno, I’m not from the future myself
Bishop of DwB (7:52:32 PM): just wish i was I guess. :-/

Speaking Parseltongue with a Dead President

Shad — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:58:12 +0000

Love the short ‘n sweet ones.

Reaganjv8 (9:33:21 PM): s
Reaganjv8 (9:33:22 PM): s
Reaganjv8 (9:33:23 PM): s
Reaganjv8 (9:33:23 PM): s
Reaganjv8 (9:33:24 PM): s
Reaganjv8 (9:33:24 PM): ssss
shad (9:34:01 PM): parseltongue?
Reaganjv8 (9:34:23 PM): who is this
shad (9:34:28 PM) It’s HiiiisssssSSSSSSSSsss
Reaganjv8 (9:35:46 PM): this is rashad i thought i sent this to my phone
Reaganjv8 (9:35:56 PM): i mighteve set it up wrong my bad
shad (9:36:07 PM): I’m guessing so, ’cause I’m not you.
Reaganjv8 (9:37:42 PM): do uk how to send messages to a phone
shad (9:37:56 PM): they have to be setup to use Mobil AIM
Reaganjv8 (9:38:23 PM): oh iight
Reaganjv8 (9:38:26 PM): thnx
shad (9:38:25 PM): sure